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Looking back on the men or women I’ve had this dynamic with, Kryptonite tends to fall into the same basic categories. As you mature, you’ll (hopefully) get better at recognizing and avoiding these types altogether, but let’s go over these personality types to start.
CRAZYTOWN, POPULATION: HIM OR HER
We all know what Crazytown looks like: endless drama. Raging fights. Screeching tires. Constant break-ups followed by passionate, borderline violent make-up sex. Crazytown is the pinnacle of toxic. It seeps into every aspect of your life and over time, the stress from relationships like this can actually alter your brain chemistry; you’ll become wired to crave the chemical rush you get from the madness. These relationships are destructive to you, your friends, your family, your kids. Get. Out. Get help if you need it—but get the fuck out. No good comes from this dynamic ever.
This person, male or female, is usually some degree of a narcissistic sociopath. They are number one, always. They’ll call you when you fit into their schedule or when they need validation. They have no intention of pursuing anything serious, but they’ll occasionally throw you a bone to maintain your affections. Their own inner emptiness is a black hole of love. Like energy vampires, they’ll suck the light out of you. You can recognize an asshole by the aftertaste of emptiness and rejection they leave behind. Rejection breeds obsession. It’s human nature to want what you can’t have, even if what you can’t have is poison. These relationships are insidious as they trigger all of our insecurities. This also makes them the hardest to exit from.
THE PERPETUALLY UNAVAILABLE
Kryptonite will often fall into more than one of these personality types simultaneously. For example, a lot of assholes are also emotionally unavailable, or better yet, married. Some variation of an artist-type—comics, musicians, models, actors, writers—are married to their work first and foremost. Stay far away from these fucking people. Whether your Kryptonite is emotionally unavailable or literally unavailable, they are love junkies, binging on it when it’s available and tossing you aside when they’ve had their fill. Share your love with someone who can reciprocate. Your love is too good to waste on a junkie.
YOU START LYING TO YOURSELF
“I won’t sleep with him/her,” you tell yourself. At first, I didn’t sleep with Kryptonite for an entire month until I cracked and of course, the sex was incredible. Not standard weed-high good; Class-A narcotic good. He quickly became my heroin of dick.
YOU OBSERVE A LACK OF SELF-CONTROL
“I’ll only sleep with him/her once a month.” Or the other lie, “I’ll sleep with other people.” Bringing in second-string lovers almost always backfires. It’s like saying, “I’ll stop drinking whiskey but still drink wine.” Every time you have that wine…you’re going to wish it were whiskey.
YOU THINK ONCE WILL BE ENOUGH
Kryptonite and I started sleeping together once a week and the sex only got better and better. I’d climax and then continue riding the waves of orgasms; it was like being on pure ecstasy. But every orgasm I had drew me deeper down the rabbit hole—and deeper into my addiction.
YOU START PONDERING THE L WORD AGAINST ALL REASON
He would spend the night and I’ve never slept better. My dog loved him and he loved her. I would look him in the eye when I was on top of him, and what’s that? Is that heartburn or are those…feelings? Oh great, here comes intimacy, ruining everything as usual.
YOU JUST CAN’T QUIT IT
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said a year ago. And I proceeded to cave every time he texted. I’d put up a good fight, but eventually, I’d crack. My sex drive is higher than my standards, what can I say?
So what do you do? Like anything you have to quit, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Now that you’ve done that…
GO COLD TURKEY
Honestly, I’ve tried easier, softer methods of dealing with the Kryptonite in my life, but I’ve found the only viable, long-term solution is 100 percent pure abstinence. It takes serious will power but for your own self-esteem, you have to rip off the Band-Aid and walk away. There is no “Let’s be friends” or “Let’s keep in touch”. There is only kicking that human the hard way. You’re going to have withdrawals. It’s going to be painful. You might even be in the fetal position in agony, missing their smell, their taste, the way they sound when they orgasm. You must resist. #Resist.
GET A “SPONSOR”
In 12-step programs, when the addict wants to drink, use, eat or gamble, they have a person they call before they make that choice. It’s our first thought in these situations that we can’t trust. Our second thought is usually better, if we can give ourselves the space to even get there. I have women who get my sexy selfies instead of the men I really want to send them to; I have friends, gay and straight, who call or text me when they want to reach out to their Krytonite. You are going to need support defeating Kryptonite. Get it in place for those lonely nights.
ERECT A WALL OF SILENCE
Label this person Kryptonite in your phone. Or better yet, DO NOT CALL. Block their number. Block them on social media if need be. Whatever it takes to build a cone of silence for you to successfully break the spell. It doesn’t have to be forever and I recommend when possible to lovingly block them. Be forthright about your feelings and intention to block them for your own well-being. Usually your Kryptonite is aware they aren’t good for you, and they’re wrestling with the same challenge of self-restraint, but a drug is never going to tell you to quit it. That’s up to you, and don’t kid yourself, you will have to summon some of the deepest resources of resolve you can imagine.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO GET OVER IT
Go easy on yourself. Even if you can’t necessarily stop yourself from falling into the same traps over and over, some of the most toxic and heartbreaking relationships I’ve had with a Kryptonite have ultimately been the most empowering, motivating and revealing—if I’m able to just stand back and receive the lesson. And by the way, we’ve all been The Asshole, The Unavailable and Crazytown before, so go easy on them too.
If you only take one thing from this column, remember this: No matter the reason Kryptonite can’t be with you is, it’s not about them—it’s about you. Kryptonite almost always reveals a broken part of you that doesn’t love yourself enough. Kryptonite doesn’t just represent your primal desire for sex; they shine light on your deepest wounds that need healing. The only way to deal with Kryptonite is to lovingly, and firmly, leave them. Thank them for the lesson and get out.
When it comes to sex and the way we do it, the possibilities are virtually endless. But many couples can find themselves in the auto-loop cycle of makeout, missionary, mission complete.
While reaching climax is certainly an end goal when it comes to sex, it doesn’t have to be the sole purpose of every sexual encounter you have with your partner. Sex is like a sundae; ice cream by itself is a tasty treat, but there are lots and lots of toppings you can add to make it even better.
If you are looking for a way to make sex, well, sexier, sensation play is the perfect place to start. Sensation play engages the body’s senses to arouse or heighten one particular sense, resulting in a more intense and pleasurable full-body experience. Sometimes sensation play is considered part of the BDSM category, but more often than not it is a gentle and sensual bedroom activity used to enhance the overall pleasure felt during sex. And, let’s be honest, who isn’t down to perking up their pleasure meter?
There are lots of ways to add a bit of sweet sensation into your sex life. A super fun and light option that’s great for introducing sensation play is using a feather tickler.
The Sportsheets Midnight Feather Tickler is as sexy as it is soft, and features super lush feathers that let you tease and taunt your partner without bringing back childhood memories of being tickle-tortured by an older sibling. Move the Tickler up and down their body lightly and pay attention to any places that seem to really turn them on. If you want to take tickling to the next level, try blindfolding your partner with the sexy Midnight Lace Blindfold. Cutting off one sense helps to further heighten the others, so by flying blind, she’s going to experience some great highs from everything else you do to her.
If you want to turn your sensation play up a notch, a flogger like the Edge Spike Flogger can add a more intense way to heighten your partner’s sense of touch. Just like the tickler, start by gently dragging it across your partner’s body. Then softly whip the flogger—the key word here is softly—to build up the tension.
If your partner is comfortable, try whipping a him little harder. After each whip, be sure to gently drag the tassels of the flogger over the same spot to provide a soothing touch. The fun is in finding the aspects of sensation play that your partner enjoys most, and to build upon those in the bedroom.
Spanking is also an incredibly hot way to practice sensation play because it incorporates both pleasurable and painful sensations, which together can result in an intensely erotic sexual experience. A great way to introduce spanking is with a paddle or crop that isn’t super scary. The Midnight Lace Paddle is perfect because it’s lacy, soft, and feminine (read: not intimidating). Start out by spanking your partner gently, making sure to communicate with each other to determine the level of pain they are comfortable with before increasing how hard you spank them.
While everyone is seemingly BDSM-curious these days (thanks to the ‘50 Shades of Grey’ books and movie franchise), it’s still important to make sure you and your partner are continuously communicating throughout the various of stages of your sensation play experimentation. Establishing a safe word is a great go-to method to ensure you both feel comfortable and are on the same page.
There’s often a fine line between pleasure and pain—and that’s exactly what makes sensation play so exciting. Our bodies offer an infinite number of ways to explore the senses, and with a little experimentation, you’ll find exactly what best tantalizes yours.
Not all sex is created equal. There are those nights of sweet relief after six minutes of rolling around before returning to your Amazon Prime, and that’s fine. We won’t disparage what may seem like routine lovemaking, because at least you’re still doing it. Sometimes a basic quickie is the perfect thing – like in the morning, when her hair’s a mess and your breath is stank, but you just go at it doggie style before work or the farmer’s market. And that’s nice, too.
But then there are those other times …
The times when the sex is so good, you can’t believe it. You feel certain you must be some sort of sex god. You know, those times when you’re feeling yourself, you’re laying it down like a champion, and she’s moaning sounds that come from deep within her body, and it’s the oh-my-god-yes sex, “I’ll have what she’s having” mind-blowing session that we all dream about.
But those times can be rare. So rare, in fact, they feel like some sort of natural phenomenon that comes on like an eclipse or a thunderstorm. If only there were ways you, the sex god, could make these epic encounters happen whenever you and your partner are ready to throw down.
Well, you are in luck. We have five amazing ways to help you have better sex. Try these tips a la carte, introducing them one at a time – or get into all of them ASAP. It’s up to you, and it’s all in the name of sexual self-improvement.
Yeah dude, we know you rub one out on the regular, but like a Zen guru or Jedi Master, you must practice your craft with intention. Think of masturbation as a practice round and not just a means to an end when you’re in the shower. By initiating a more exploratory experience of self-love, you can start to learn not just what makes you climax, but also focus on ways to slow yourself down. In addition, this slower, more sensual style will help you get in touch with your own body, which is beyond sexy. Elevate these “training” sessions even more by adding in male sex toys into the mix. Enjoy yourself and your body, practice what speeds you up and slows you down, and lastly, masturbate simply to prolong your lovemaking with your partner. Oh, and duh – jerking off is fun!
Different positions will feel better for different individuals, but an overwhelming majority of men will admit that they like to get deep inside their partner. The thing is though- that’s not always what’s most comfortable for a woman. So how do you turn this conundrum into an opportunity for your best bone session ever? By finding out exactly how to go in deeper, harder, and longer, while making sure it feels amazing for your partner. To do this, you’re going to need some lube. So many factors determine what a woman’s natural lubrication level may be, but it’s not just arousal. A woman can be totally turned on and still reap the benefits of using lube, especially when the loving is long-lasting.
There is nothing sexier than a lover who makes their partner feel desired and appreciated. And as they say, “like attracts like.” So if you start showing your beloved how much they turn you on, then you can expect they will find ways to do the same. Amp up your flirty banter by gently teasing your partner, send a dirty text in the middle of the day letting them know exactly where on their body you want to lick and suck. Send a GIF showing what you’d like her to do with you. Play grab ass at the movies; bring home a little present; french kiss on the stairwell; the list goes on and on. Foreplay doesn’t need to be regulated to an obligatory 10 minutes of over the jeans groping and a bit of oral, it can literally become an undercurrent of sexual tension in your daily life that will continue to make your sex life better and better for years to come.
Yes, it’s time to talk about your prostate, and it’s going to be awesome! Here’s the thing: we know there’s still a stigma around men and butt play, but this is changing rapidly, and the reason for that is that prostate stimulation provides more than just a hearty dose of pleasure. When you get a little loving on the prostate, you can receive tremendous health benefits – such as a reduced risk of prostate cancer. Not only that, but while a prostate stimulator is inserted, many men experience harder erections, more intense orgasms, and increased stamina.
When trying any new toy, it can be a good idea to try it alone first. However, the rules for P-play are the same for solo use or with a partner. Use a lubricated finger (seriously, use lube) to start things off, circling the anus and then pressing gently against the sphincter (like ringing a door bell). The key is to go slowly and notice your body’s response. When you’re ready, slide the toy in, and continue on with your favorite sexual activities until climax.
Really, it can be any favorite exercise, but it’s crucial to get out there and enjoy your body and your life. Building strength and stamina will segue to the workouts you get in the bedroom, but most importantly, the confidence you build by taking care of yourself will translate to everything and everyone you do! Most women love their men whether they have six-pack abs or not, but everyone is drawn to someone who feels happy with their own physicality. The same principle applies to eating well and personal grooming. Remember, you are the sex god, and it’s important you value yourself and your body just as you love your partner. So take a vigorous class or a walk around the block, let your mind wander to your favorite sexual fantasies and see yourself sharing them with your lover. Then drink some electrolyte water, power down some protein, and get your bad-ass sexy self ready to have better sex tonight!